Filed under: Uncategorized
In keeping with the reputation of uncompromising journalistic integrity that this outfit has displayed from day one, we feel it necessary to once again shine the light of impartiality upon New York’s slighted. In a case of malfeasance that threatens to be swept under the rug or simply missed by the unread and the otherwise busy, it seems that Governor Paterson has again turned a blind eye to what could amount to the deliverance of many preventable health issues plaguing our city’s residents. That’s right! you guessed it! all over the city the tiny LED(Light Emitting Diodes)lit men that grace traffic posts and inform pedestrians of safe street crossing times are being amputated by electrical short circuits, in other words, failing us. All over town these sentinels of the intersections are popping up minus hands, shoulders, frontal lobes and feet.
Despite the New York times report that these minor deficiencies will in no way compromise the functionality of the system we must examine the “broken window” theory. This tried hypothesis, which was wholly ignored by me until I read the awesome book The Tipping Point by awesome writer Malcolm Gladwell, contends that even the most fractional imperfection in a milieu can become a flood of chaos if left unanswered.
At this juncture I must ask for a brief intermission to address what I’m sure is nagging my more observant readers. Some of you might be saying that this is clearly a matter of concern on a city level and not the state. Allow me to answer by saying that I just could not pass on the opportunity to say that Paterson had turned a ‘blind Eye’ to something. And yes, I could have saved that childish bit of humor for a more apropos entry but that is not how this publication is run.
Back to the task at hand. At $100 a pop these little agents of well-being are hardly bank breakers so why is it that an average of 62 percent of the contraptions are missing definable parts of their anatomy? The answer is frantically being patched together now so before I deliver the shocking truth we’ll take some time to debunk a couple of the imminent spin conspiracies. Here comes the list format that return users are undoubtedly growing accustomed to/tired of.
1. Overtly sensitive policies are pandering to the disabled set and the growing number of returning amputee veterans.
2. The collapsed LEDs speak to the image, albeit crudely illustrated, of a mulatto foot commuter in order to further stoke the flames of tolerance in the increasingly diverse (whites buying up Harlem, Bed-Stuy etc.) neighborhoods.
3. These increasingly dire times call for less money to be squandered on public safety and image programs when the funds are clearly required for vital needs like bridge re-naming and more traffic cops, not regular cops but traffic cops, foot traffic cops to be specific. The ones who walk in pairs followed by another pair 2 blocks behind them, all on payroll.
Now as both the chief reporter and a simple man who learns best by plainly drawn examples I will now provide the reasoning behind the break down of our guardians of walking. Everyday the number of people who come to live here and are birthed here exceeds the amount of people who leave. With each new resident the city’s revenue increases. With the flux of new money to the city, more must be paid to Albany. In return a disproportionate amount of funds are funneled to Manhattan. So…in the spirit of invoking true democracy and empowering each and every voice I invite you all to dig deep into the vast banks of poorly kept records and find the answers you seek. Sink your teeth into the bones of your government and return to me like so many messenger pigeons. The multitude of conclusions will be reviewed and a winner will be selected to have their response plagiarized by me!
