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As any listener of day time radio can tell you, the airwaves are frequented with pitches of career salvation thrown at the unemployed, the underpaid or simply the unhappy worker looking for change. Options abound in the form of technical institutes, culinary schools, get rich quick programs, internet scams and so on. However the ads with the most rotation( I swear this assertion is true, no need to fact check the blog, keep reading…go on) are the ones enticing young men and women toward an exciting position with the NYPD. Among the benefits being provided are job security, steady pay, chances for promotion and excitement. Now amid these economically uncertain times these carrots should not have to be dangled for long before the hungry, young prospects start lining up. Why then, I wonder, is recruitment at such a low? Of course low starting pay is the obvious culprit. Why put your neck on the line in the city of cities for 25 g’s when you could make double that in the safety of the suburbs. This leads me to believe that the real problem and the real solution is simply a Instinct or Genre* magazine ad away. In this age of hyper tolerance and identity banner waving why does the bush of this issue need to be beat around? It’s simple; Join the NYPD and work out your latent tendencies!
As poster boys Richard Kern and Justin Volpe can surely attest, a job on the force could offer the answers that a lifetime of closeted masturbation simply could not. Why resign yourself to shameful and worry ridden trips to the seedy booths of animal rape when you can work out your kinks while earning some meager dough. If you ask me, Ray Kelly is barking up the wrong tree. A strong recruitment surge focused squarely on the toned, waxed streets of Chelsea would net him more than enough applicants to fill those 300 plus empty patrol cruiser seats. Perhaps just a slight tweaking of the radio campaign is needed. Ready, here we go with some ideas.
1. Join the force and go down in the anals of New York history.
2. Sodomize to the occasion!
3. To protect and perv (i know that one was weak but I need filler, perhaps ‘slurp’ would have been better
I could probably come up with more but I’m a little disgusted by myself. At any rate you get the idea. The voids need to be filled(yes, please read into that one)(sorry about all the parenthesis, I’m self taught.) So all experimenters, down-lowers, unsatisfied middle-aged husbands with no passports and just outright angry, racist, rapists step on up and kill two birds and/or unfulfilled desires with one stone. But for Christ’s, Mineo’s, Luima’s and others sakes, just make sure that stone is lubricated.
*I swear I’m not gay, I just did a google search. Seriously, I’m not gay, understand! Shit! You better not tell people I’m gay or I’ll rap…er…give you an unfavorable Yelp rating. Damn, that was just lazy editing on my part.
P.s. I’m a coward so let me add this. I like the NYPD for the most part, they are really much more decent than cops in other parts of this country and they have made this city pretty damn safe. Perhaps so safe that a couple of bad apples are getting bored and needing to abuse their power. Maybe some busy work is needed for these few.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I was bitching about this ridiculous expense when I heard it was costing taxpayers to the tune of 100 thousand dollars. Today I learn that changing the name of the Triboro Bridge to the RFK Bridge has an official price tag of 4 MILLION dollars! One hundred plus signs that direct people toward the thoroughfare must all be replaced I’m told. Now I’m just a malcontent and not a sign maker but I feel certain that some abridged (pun intended, feverishly hunted for and gleefully found at the cost of great time to the author) compromise can be reached in answer to these archaic and over abundant road indicators. Here’s a few suggestions.
1.)Get rid of some of these damn things. 139 signs!? Is it really necessary in this age of GPS, MapQuest and general eyeball competency. It’s a giant, crowded bridge that can be seen with the naked eye if you’re anywhere near it and most of the users of said bridge use it so frequently that they could find it with a face full of pepper spray. Just follow the 24 hour flow of traffic
2.)Get some workers out on the existing signs with box cutters and follow this simple procedure. Slice away the ‘T’ in Triboro, then do the same to the ‘i’ the ‘o’s and the curvy part of the ‘b’ ,then a couple of strategic sharpie marker marks and voila, you got The r F k Bridge. Problem solved.
3.) Leave them the way they are!
I’m a pretty fair illustration of the common New Yorker and I agree that Robert Kennedy was great. The same way that gas siphoning and glory holes and the uppercut are great. They all enriched American life and continue to do so with their resonance. But when their image or symbolism is used to stroke a few of us while financially hurting a lot of us it is fuuuuuuuuuucked up!
What is really happening? Do the surviving Kennedy’s have some leverage against Paterson or Bloomberg? Photos maybe? The mayor’s real i.d. that reveals him as being 5’5″ and not 5’10″? Maybe the local politicians are just not reading enough blogs. I keep hearing Albany and Manhattan’s mantra of “We’ll all have to kick in and sacrifice, times are tough.”
Obviously the mayor and the governor have different ideas than I do when it comes to what ‘tough times’ really are.
Here are my criteria for tough times in NY; a daily threat of overzealous, unregulated traffic cops with itchy ticket writing fingers. Possible fare hikes and East River toll implementation. Skyrocketing rent. Plummeting economy. And I’m a white male! Notice how driving over the same boring ol’ Triboro Bridge with it’s same dull name is NOT one of my criteria.
What is their idea of tough times and sacrifice? Being snubbed by a Kennedy at a wine mixer? Having to take the short limo due to touriot* clogged streets? (Despite the claims I have never…never,never,never seen Bloomberg on the train. This town’s not that big.)
While traversing the r F k today I saw no less than 2 enormous, movie ad style billboards featuring the man in question and a paraphrase of one of his famous quotes; “Dream of things that never were, and ask why not.” I guess the budget planners thought that this extra cajoling was needed in order to influence travelers to not turn their backs in horror and flee from the newly titled crossing. Thankfully these signs were paid for by the RFK Center and not by me and you but the quote made me think. I tried grasping for an applicable metaphor for the entire issue that I could involve the quote in. I found none. I just think that Robert Kennedy probably would not have cared about such a trumpeted namesake, he had bigger fish to fry. And at least for this contemporary generation, the deceased’s good name may have negative associations due to this irresponsible expenditure.
By this point, like you, I’m getting bored so I’ll leave it like this. The bridge name change is an unjustifiable expense loaded on the backs of struggling New Yorkers. It’s a tough town to make it in, just look at all the songs made about it(see glossary below), but we want to be here. So much so that we take punishment and make sacrifices. I only want those concessions to be repaid in a practical form.
*Touriot: It’s a word I just made up by combining Tourist and, wait for it… Riot! Its good right?
Songs.1. New York by Sinatra. Is that the name of that song? 2. Shattered by the Rolling Stones 3. NYC by Interpol 4. Rock you like a hurricane by the Scorpions 5. Rap songs by rappers… and many more!
